Its early morning and I am up. There is nothing unusual about that, I am always up "early" compared to my partner. He and I have different internal clocks that compliment each other nicely. But being up early gives me time, something that I have not felt that I have had lately. There is no reason for not making time, or finding it, but it still has been elusive to me. Yet, when I put it into these terms I find that I smile for time is an illusion as well.
We count seconds, minutes, and hours on a clock; there are days which turn to months on calendars, but in the end we are the ones that create the fractured moments that we call time. Once created we then gain or lose the bits and pieces of a day. We can feel good or bad about how we spent our time wondering how the next day will be as if we have no say. It is all a choice. To an extent that is true, pressures outside of ourselves can dictate how we spend our day, our month, our life even. But not this morning; this morning is mine in the wee early hours.
I have changed my life, begun to reconstruct it in a manner that is pleasing to me. That sounds selfish and yet it is not. If I do not give to my family the best and most honest me that there is I am robbing both them and myself of what is most precious... an honest relationship. I had lost myself, lost in the world and its demands to be a "good" mother, partner, employee, employer, or whatever other label you would like to put there. But another self was crying to get out and be with the world. That self had been shuffled away for a few years in order to stay in front of all the demands that life and society had placed before me. I allowed it, I was partner in my own captivity, I could stop it, and I did.
I changed my life; reinvented it to an extent. I walked away from all of the things that I thought everyone placed value on and that I envisioned that was required of me. When I turned my back and walked away an amazing thing happened. Those that mean the most to me, those that I love, smiled. They were pleased that I no longer agonized over how my time and energy were taken from me every day and that I had nothing left to give at the end of each cycle. Everyone smiled and they still are smiling. I am now my true self, the self that I wanted to give to them but felt I could not. The person inside is no longer screaming to get out; she is out and gently sipping coffee in the very early hours of the day.
So who is this new person that sits where I use to? Well that is the beauty of it all, I do not know. I have a lifetime of discovery with family and friends before I answer that question. All I know for know is that time has returned to what it should have been all along. It has returned to the turning of the wheel, to marking passage through seasons not seconds, and most of all it moves at nature's pace and not man's.